Heavenly's Miracle

I hate the idea of being at a loss for words on this day. I should be embellishing a nice size room with everything Pepa Pig or Princess Tiana all while singing happy birthday to you; instead, I'm sitting in a dark room still beating myself up for feeling like I've failed you as a mother. My heart still hurts three years later. I still shed tears for you. No matter what anyone says, mommy still loves you & I'll forever hold a special place for you in my heart. Happy Birthday Baby Girl

One year ago today, you were delivered stillborn. Two days later, I named you Heavenly-Miracle because that's what you are. I used to be embarrassed by this situation because I did not know that I was pregnant; and to make matters worst, the doctors said that I'm below average intellect, but very pleasant (as if that was supposed to make me feel better). In all actuality, it hurt me; but then, I realized that it's not true. There's no need to be mad. Anyways baby girl, I'm slowly but surely getting through this. Although I never got the chance to see & hold you, I will always love you. Tell Nana and Grandad I said hello. I love you sweetie pie. Good night!! 😘😘 Happy Birthday Heavenly!! 😘😘

Ten Months Ago . . .        I remember being in the hospital for four days and going through all of the emotions. I went through an immediate depressive stage and couldn't listen to a whole specific song on my phone b/c it reminded me of what could've been. I was able to maintain a smile on my face because our cousins made sure they did all they could to make me laugh. I was angry after reading the paperwork from the hospital and finding out that they said I was "below average intellect" bc I didn't know I was pregnant. Even after all of that, baby girl, mommy still stood tall and was able to press on. I can smile now, knowing you would've been a walking dictionary like me. I love the idea of being able to talk about you and share my personal thoughts w/ a group of people I don't know from a can of paint. I love you, my darling.

Happy 4th my sweet angel baby. Mommy misses you so much! I think about you all the time, I see you in my dreams, and it makes me very happy. I've gotten to a place where I can bring your name up and watch any sad movie and not cry too much (I know you'd be so proud of me). I've even gone as far as to join an Angel baby group on Facebook to help cope with you not being here with me. At the same token, why do I feel so guilty? Why am I just learning that an itchy and scaly hand is a pregnancy side effect? How come when I told your stupid father about you, he acted as if we didn't have relations? Why do I have to go through this all by myself? You should be turning seven months on Friday; instead, I'm forced to allow these walls to close in on me and send me into a whirlwind. Since you've been gone, ten people have told me that they're having babies; and one of them is a lesbian. I had to have done something wrong! As you can see baby girl, mommy is stresse...

Seems like every month on this very day, my emotions take a toll on me . . . BUT I'm the only person that feels it and that's sad. I cared once upon a time about what the people would think if I talked about you; but now, I'm as a quiet as a church mouse. I'm already being forwarded to voicemail whenever I would call certain people. Now I know who cares and who doesn't. Now I know what to say around certain individuals. I still cry myself to sleep at night. You would probably say "don't cry Mommy, it'll be okay", but I beg to differ. I feel that everyone else has gotten over their losses mainly because they now have kids. I really don't have too much to remember you by except: my hospital cup and bag, my hospital wrist bands, a funeral home bag, a heart of hopelessness, and a face full of tears that may never go away. BUT one thing that I do know is that I'll never forget you. I will get through this one day, baby girl. Until then, continue...

Some days I wonder how I'll be able to go on, knowing my baby girl is gone behind those pearly gates. Some nights I cry myself to sleep because I feel like I have no one to vent to about my true feelings. Why do I feel you're already forgotten about? Why does my heart hurt so bad? Why does this have to be? These questions I may never get the answer to . . . but one day we'll be reunited. Maybe by then, I'll have a better understanding of how this thing called "life" works. Well get your rest sweetie & thanks for listening. Continue to watch over Mommy. I love you.

"Every step I take; every move I make, every single day every time I pray I'll be missing you. Thinking of the day when you went away; what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you!" I know its been a while since I've talked to you; but it's only because I had to gather my thoughts & let you know how I feel w/o sounding reiterant. Don't worry though baby girl, I love you and I'm missing you like crazy. Until we meet again sweetie pie. Mommy <3's you once again. Kiara Patrice & Heavenly- Miracle Mother & Daughter Always&Forever 5/19/1992 ----> 12-7-2016

A month ago today, I've officially become a mother and it was the happiest feeling ever. Also (a month ago today), you've received your wings and flew high. I often question myself & ask God why: why were you chosen so early, why do I feel like I'm going through this alone, or why does it seem like I'm the only one who cares. I sometimes wonder if it'd be wrong for me to have a smile on my face. I mean; in all honesty, I feel the need to be happy knowing you're in a better place & in great hands. Then again, I feel like I should continue to let the tears flow & try to communicate with others about my feelings. Either way, losing you is something that I will never get over. Instead, mommy will get through it. I love you & I will never forget about you. Continue to rest In heaven mommy's baby!

My name is Heavenly-Miracle Edwards and I am the only child of Kiara Edwards, the second grandchild of Devonnie Gregg & Nicholas Edwards, and the second great-grandchild of Martha Edwards. In a moment, I will be receiving my degree in Paralegal Studies at Francis Marion University so that I can work alongside my Granddad at his law office, the N. Edwards Law Firm. As I look over at the fifth row in the school auditorium, I see my entire family either cheesing from ear to ear or constantly taking pictures. I understand how excited everyone is, but to see my grandmother pull out a bag of popcorn from her purse is the funniest thing ever! Seconds later, the students in my row stand up and makes their way to the side of the stage. " You ready ?" my best friend Michael asked me. " Yep " I said proudly. My name is finally called. " . . . Heavenly - Miracle Edwards " the Principal, Mrs. Grady says. I walked gracefully across the stage, waved, and smiled at th...

HAPPY NEW YEAR MOMMY'S SWEET BABY!! I made it to this year with a smile on my face. I've said this plenty of times before, but knowing you're in great hands up there makes my days so much smoother. Guess what though? Mommy has so many great things planned for this year. It's best that I not speak everything into existence because it may not go the way I would want it to go. The thing that I'm mostly excited about is finishing one of my latest books entitled "Brooklyn Desires". I was thinking that when that one is finished, I should start a new book about you and call it "The Heavenly-Miracle". Whatever I decide to do, I know that it will make you proud. I know you're not expecting for me to be up this late, but I had to talk to you while everything is fresh on my mind. I miss you so, so, soooo much baby girl. If only you were here . . . but I understand that God makes no mistakes whatsoever. Well I'm running a little low on words, so I wi...

Hey baby girl! How's it going up there? Honestly, everything's just fine down here. Mommy can finally smile now knowing that you're taken care of by your great grandparents (as well as our other family members). Remember the other day I told you I would come and see you? Well, guess what? I made sure today was that day and I am so happy I did! I cried out just a little because this is still new to me; but at the same token, I was just happy to have been able to get that piece of mind that I needed ever since the day God called you home . . . I don't know why, but my words are getting a little short today. Don't think that because this is happening that I love you any less and I don't have anything to say (because mommy loves you more than you'll ever know). Well Mommy's tears are dried now, so go ahead and get your rest . . . I say it all day, every day and I'll say it again . . . I love you forever more baby girl! Kiara Patrice Edwards (Mommy) ...

Good evening mommy's baby, how's it going up there? I know it's been a couple of days since I've talked to you; but don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you. You are forever the center of my life and I love you always.

This was supposed to have been our first Christmas together, but God had other plans for you. I'm supposed to be spoiling you like crazy; instead, I have to put flowers on your grave and remind myself that I won't be able to see my baby girl again. My heart still hurts and I still can't believe that this has happened to us. I shouldn't feel the way that I do. I shouldn't be as emotional as I am . . . no. I should be looking into your eyes and reminding you of how beautiful you are everyday. I should also be making your bottles, changing your diapers, rubbing your back and singing to you whenever you cry. Instead, I'm talking to you through this blog. One thing I will say is: it was all worth it baby girl. If it were possible, I would definitely go through everything I went through to have you in my arms again: the back and abdomen aches, the weight gain, the swollen feet . . . and might I add the long hair. I named you "Heavenly-Miracle" because that...

Good evening baby girl!! How's it going up there? Well everything's starting to come together down here. The only thing that's missing is you. I woke up this afternoon with the biggest smile on my face. Why you may ask? It's mainly because I've been able to cope well with this entire situation. I still find myself crying at times and I've gotten to a point whereas leaving my comfort zone has become somewhat of an issue. The best part about this is that Mommy has all kinds of support from the people that cares about her the most. Not only does the support help, but to be able to talk to you through this blog is the greatest feeling ever . . . I know that I've been slacking a little bit with my words lately, but I promise you I will get better with time. Oh yeah; guess what? Mommy's coming to visit you! I'm not telling you exactly when, just know that I am coming and everything will be alright. Well I know that you need your rest, so I will talk to you...

H E A V E N L Y        KIARA - PATRICE   M I R A C L E   EDWARDS   MOMMY LOVES YOU FOREVER MORE!! 

" Good morning, my little munchkin " I greeted my peacefully-sleeping daughter Heavenly-Miracle, " Let's get ready for school ". " Good morning mommy " she replied after waking up, rubbing her eyes, and yawning. She then gets up, makes her own bed (the way her grandmother taught her how), and heads straight for the tub. While she gets her day started, I decided to cook some shrimp and grits for both of us. Ten minutes later: she walks into the kitchen, sits at the table, and begans singing one of my favorite songs from back in my day. " Oh girl. One more chance with you again. I will not let it go . . . ooh please, give me just one more chance for love, love, love, love !" I lowered my eyebrows and turned all the way around. "I can't believe what my ears are listening to right now. My girl can sing . . . better than her mother at that!" " . . . I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know your name. Come on talk to me baby, co...

Dear Princess Heavenly, Today's a new day, yet my heart still hurts like crazy. My mind feels very empty and my soul feels mummified. I can't eat, sleep, think, write, or even dare listen to music (yeah I know it's strange because mommy is a music fanatic). At times I feel as if nothing is coming together for me. I'll have to spend my Christmas without you, New Years, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day . . . and the saddest parts about all of this is, we won't be able to sing happy birthday to each other. But guess what though? I'll make sure to talk to you every single day (even If my words seem to be short); and because mommy's been in a creative mood lately, I'm going "Heavenly" crazy as soon as I can get my hands on some money! I know it sounds a little overboard, but I can't help it. I have to do something to keep myself from falling all the way apart. Well baby girl it's your bedtime, so you know what that means . . . in the ...

How's it going up there, baby girl? I know the family is spoiling you like crazy lol!! I can only imagine what's going on . . . you and Grandad Curt are probably sitting in the backyard reading the newspaper together (or answering all the questions right on Jeopardy), Uncle Joe is probably telling you all kinds of stories of how he used to see mommy's name in the newspaper for being an honor roll student . . . and I'll bet you're standing on "Mother's" bed and combing her hair (just as mommy did in her much younger days). Either way, I know you're in good hands. Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong for me to not want to say goodbye to you. I've learned in a Denzel Washington movie that "you only say goodbye to folks you'll never see again". The correct quote is "I'll see you later". Oh my . . . mommy's crying again. Don't worry about me Heavenly, I'll be okay. You just get you some rest and I'll talk ...

Mommy sat up all night thinking about you and the kind of future we would've had. There would be pictures taken everyday, we would definitely be in a department store shopping for clothing/shoes; and whatever you ask for, you would get it. Mommy's not a no person (just look at your first cousin, Damonie lol!!). The overall solution is . . . YOU'VE WOULD'VE BEEN ONE SPOILED ROTTEN PRINCESS . . . but it would all be worth it. If it were possible; after seeing my stretch marks, swollen feet, and weight gain, I would go through all of that just to have you in my arms again. This blog that I'm writing may not make sense to most; but I don't care, this is what I do. I've been writing since I was thirteen years old; and I now have another reason to continue expressing my true feelings. It's you, Heavenly. I could cry right now, but I'm imagining you wiping my tears away and saying "It'll be okay mommy, don't cry". FLASH FORWARD (Short S...

Today I lay my angel, Heavenly Miracle, to rest. I'm deeply saddened, hurt, and most of all numbed about the entire situation; No one should ever have to bury their child. At times I have been crying my eyes out, and @ other times I find myself smiling and reminiscing with close friends about the "I can see" type scenarios when it comes down to my baby. Like I can see her reading an entire newspaper @ 2 years old just as mommy did, or I can see her knowing every song on the radio as well as her ABC's, 123's, so on and so forth. I now understand that because this was my first miscarriage, it is still a tragedy that will take some time to get through. I also understand that I'm not alone in all of this. All in all, I will always love and miss my Heavenly Miracle. This experience has ensured me that God makes no mistakes; and as long as I stay prayed up, everything else will fall in place.